'I see her putting on the tight, less nice dress': Couple gets into argument over dress code for a work event

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Ben Weiss • Writer and Editor
Nov 24, 2022 2:00 PM EST

Now, all dress codes are dumb, but this guy may have actually been in the right. This thread was posted to Reddit's r/AmITheA**hole subreddit by u/ProfessorBotanist, who shared that he (a Latinx trans male professor) was invited to a work event for the fall quarter and was allowed to bring his fiancé (a cis white woman from a far wealthier background). 

 

The identities in this story are significant since the Redditor pointed out the various micro-aggressions he experiences at work. You get the sense that this was an important event for him, and an anxiety-inducing one too. Which is why when his fiancé gave him two options for her dress and then refused to listen to his recommendation for the more formal option, he got upset. It's his event after all, and there's already a lot of baggage attached to it. He doesn't need her to make things more uncomfortable for him as well Sometimes, being a good partner actually does mean sucking it up and just being supportive. Who knew?!

 

Keep scrolling below for the full account. For more couple drama, check out this post about an entitled neighbor who took over a couple's bachelor party.

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  • 01
    Font - AITA for asking my fiancé to wear a different dress to a work event? For background, my fiancé (30 cis f) works as an executive at a big company and gets to work from home in leggings and crop tops. She is regularly stating she loves that about her job. That she can do dyed hair, tattoos, etc. and they don't care. She also comes from generational wealth. She is also white. Comes from plantation money.
    via u/ProfessorBotanist
  • 02
    Font - I do not (trans 29) I came from poverty and "trailer trash" and worked my way up to become a professor at a nice private college. I am Latinx. I love my job. I can wear dyed hair and tattoos and piercings too, but I dress professionally. There was a nice work event to celebrate the fall quarter. The president of the college was there, it was in an art gallery downtown. Nice band. Fancy cocktails. We were allowed to bring a guest.
    via u/ProfessorBotanist
  • 03
    Font - I was nervous because as an out trans guy, I regularly face a lot of micro aggressions in the workplace. Something my fiancé knows and makes jokes about me being the token diversity hire. My fiancé picked out two dresses the night before and asked me what I thought. I picked the one that was flattering, but not skin tight, nicer material, and hugged her body in more appropriate areas. She got upset. Cried because I don't accept her as she is.
    via u/ProfessorBotanist
  • 04
    Font - The next day comes and I'm putting on my suit and tie. As I walk into the bathroom, I see her putting on the tight, less nice dress. We got into an argument. She put on the dress I picked. She didn't talk to me the whole night. Pouted. She looked beautiful but later she said I was controlling, that she felt rejected for who she is. I found out she told her friends who now think I'm a controlling toxic fiancé. AITA?
    via u/ProfessorBotanist
  • 05
    Font - Independent Milk_490. 55 min. ago I'm actually gonna go NTA here. I am a 32F and I always ask my bf if he thinks my outfits are fine when going out with his work people and he does the same when going out with my work people. We both want to look nice and represent ourselves and each other in a positive light.
    via u/ProfessorBotanist
  • 06
    Font - It's a sign of respect for each other in my opinion. I'd never go to a work function of his dressed in something he felt was inappropriate. I might get hate here but idc. If you're constantly controlling her and telling her what to wear then yeah, YTA, but if this was a one time work function where you did have a preference then I don't think it's wrong to let your preference be known.
    via u/ProfessorBotanist
  • 07
    Font - Plumbus-aficianado. 41 min. ago Agree. This is a work event and she doesn't know the people or the tone of the event. Plus she asked and got a clear answer and then wore the other dress. NTA.
    via u/ProfessorBotanist
  • 08
    Font - ManePonyMom. 38 min. ago I agree. I live in leggings and graphic tees normally, but if my husband has a work event, I verify dress code with him and get input on the final look. There are times that expression through fashion isn't necessary or appropriate. One event shouldn't change your sense of self.
    via u/ProfessorBotanist
  • 09
    Font - Little Endure 44 min. ago Why are you even with her? I mean, she belittles your achievements ("token diversity hire"), disregards your struggles due to your ethnicity and ignores social dresscodes in regards to your workplace environment... or rather, makes a game out of it and then talks awfully about you behind her back.
    via u/ProfessorBotanist
  • 10
    Font - Yes, we live on a place on Earth with a lot of freedom regarding clothes and yes, she has the luxus of not having a dresscode for her workplace, but that's not reality. And YOUR workplace is not the right place nor time to start a fashion revolution. ΝΤΑ.
    via u/ProfessorBotanist
  • 11
    Font - ScarlettsLetters. 6 min. ago Agreed, NTA. It doesn't even sound like he was trying to do something potentially a-hole-ish like "make her cover up" or whatever (although depending on the setting he may be in the right to do that, too). He's describing it as just being a nicer dress- higher quality fabric, tailored better, more flattering. She seems to be just looking for a reason to argue and/or belittle him. Vote Reply
    via u/ProfessorBotanist
  • 12
    Font - Royale Bubz 38 min. ago This seems like a fake satire post to me. I can't imagine a real person adding 'plantation money' in there. If this is real, you seem to resent your partner on multiple levels (perhaps quite rightly), might not be a good match for you.
    via u/ProfessorBotanist
  • 13
    Font - corgwin 54 min. ago NTA. I'm particular about work events. I treat them as if I'm going to work. If my spouse comes with me, I coach on how to behave. So because it is a work event and that affects your career, I will give you NTA. If you do it any other time, I would say Y T A.
    via u/ProfessorBotanist
  • 14
    Gesture - darkstarr82 49 min. ago NTA. At 30 she should understand that not all clothing suits all events.
    via u/ProfessorBotanist
  • 15
    Font - Serious-Bug4748. 30 min. ago NTA- The work event was from your workplace not hers- so naturally you should get to decide what she wears. She even gave you an option from 2, she shouldn't have asked if she anyways wasn't going to follow your choice.
    via u/ProfessorBotanist

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